does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
