she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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