I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
