...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Is it penis luge time yet?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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