totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
