I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize