So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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