I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
