I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
