I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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