Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
