ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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