I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
