oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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