just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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