I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
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We talked him into tasing himself.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
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Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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