If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
