Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I have already put on my inside pants.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
