I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
