so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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