I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
