When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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