so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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