On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
