you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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