I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
