if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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