I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
