kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
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Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
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Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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