Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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