she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
