Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
