Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
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