I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
