Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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