Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
