i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
