answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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