why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
