jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
