We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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