it's like heaven, but drunker
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
