you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
