I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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