I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
