fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
