I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
