He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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