His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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