I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
we made out on top of his cat.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
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