I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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