Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
fuck your aforementioned shoe
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
