guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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