I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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