im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
